Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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