She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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