The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
