if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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