we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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