I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you traded sex for a burrito?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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