I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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