Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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