just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize