i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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