Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
