making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize