I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
