your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize