Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
