we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
