in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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