i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
