im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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