He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
