I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
