Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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