the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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