this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
