I just pynch a tree in the face
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
