you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
