in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
