you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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