The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
