I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
