You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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