his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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