He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
