Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i think i just lost a toe
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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