I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We left an ass print on the piano.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
