Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
