I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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