god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
