Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
