apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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