So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
