Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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