I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
