My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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