filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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