just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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