I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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