dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
