your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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