Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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