six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
