I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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