Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
