Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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