she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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