in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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