Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize