I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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