Please don't use social media to get back at me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
