I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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