I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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