It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
