She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
