Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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